"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain."
Life isn't always easy and there will always be trials and tribulations. We are meant to stumble and fall, because it's what we do after that defines us and strengthens us. It's how we come out of the storm that will help us to grow and be able to face new challenges with our head held up high. Though, it can get really hard at times; especially when you are at your lowest.
One of my lowest points actually came about 2 years ago. My father had been battling cancer for 15 years and his body had enough. He knew that it was his time to go and be with God. But, being the man he was, he made sure that my mom would be taken care of. He managed, through penny pinching, to pay off the house, her car and still set her up so she could retire within a few years. I always gave him a hard time for being so tight with money, but look what he was able to accomplish because of it. He was an inspiration in many ways. He really set the example of how a man, husband and father should be. I will always be grateful for that. Anyways, I will never forget the days leading up to his death.
I remember it was a Thursday morning and I had gotten a text form a very close family friend. She basically just said, "I am praying for you and love you so much." I simply thought, "Oh, that's so sweet of you. That just brightened my day." But, then not too long after that I got a text from my father saying, "Heather - my sunshine - call when you can. ILU." So, I called him once my class was over and I was heading to work as a tutor at my college. Well, I was right outside the school in an alley when he told me what was going on. I literally collapsed to the ground. He was telling me that he was going off dialysis; which would give him about two weeks to live. His body was giving out on him and he told me he didn't have the strength to fight it anymore. He felt very calm in his decision and was ready to go meet God. I kept asking him if it was for real this time and he told me it was. I couldn't fathom what was happening. After fighting cancer for 15 years it was all coming to an end and I would lose my father. Well, not lose him, but let him go to be with his Heavenly father. He was headed for a place with no pain or suffering, how could I be selfish and tell him not to go to Heaven. He fought long enough for us; it was time for him to find his peace. But, it was killing me. This was the fate that I had dreaded my whole life and now I was facing it. I got all my affairs in order and left school a week before finals and headed home the next day to be with my father. I will be forever grateful for my instructors who supported me and were there for me during this time. They truly went above and beyond for me. One in particular even helped me to think about things that I wanted to do, say or save from my father while I had this time with him.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I got home, but it definitely wasn't what I came home to. Everyone was cracking jokes and laughing. The mood was so uplifting and calm. I should have known that would be the case, for my father always rose to the occasion and lightened the mood. It was who he was. He really put everyone, including myself, at ease with this decision. Our family spent the next few days that we had with him laughing, telling stories, crying and enjoying the time we had. Now, being a photographer, I naturally was taking pictures left and right. I wanted to document it all. Even more than that, I was recording audio at the beginning of each day all day long. I have hours of audio of all of his final conversations with people. On top of that, if that wasn't enough I was even able to video record him reading some of our favorite childhood stories and the Christmas story. I wanted those videos not just for me, but also so that some day my children and my brothers could see their grandfather. I wanted them to know him, if even through just those few precious videos. I feel truly blessed to have all of that. Not many people get that chance. God truly blessed our family in this time. I feel like it was Gods last great gift to our family. His way of blessing us for enduring all the really hard times the past 15 years and all the back and forth never knowing and going through hell on earth.
The crazy awesome thing was, that even though my dad was dying, he kept preaching. Yes, he was a pastor, but he never took God out of the picture. He got up on his chair and pontificated to everyone who came in. I couldn't believe the insane faith that he had. He was celebrating in the new life he was about to have when he joined Christ in Heaven. It was such an inspiration. His faith was so strong and he was so good. I was jealous that he could be that confident and still on fire for God right through the end. But, I was fighting my own battle with God at that moment. He left this world and joined God on March 13th, 2012. My heart was torn apart.
I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't completely broken. I fell so hard and for so long. I turned my back on God more than ever. I was hurt and mad that my father was no longer with me. I know that I was being selfish, but my grief had taken over me. But, I know that god never gave up on me. I know that he was always watching over me and protecting me. It says in Psalm 91:11 "For he will command his angels to watch over you and guard you in all your ways."
God really took a hold of me about a year ago. I felt him so clearly speak to me and say, "Come back to me" and I couldn't ignore it anymore. I knew that something was missing and it was my faith in him. So I started turning back to him and got connected at a wonderful church. It was the best decision I made in my entire life. I was scared to go back after being away from a church for so long, but it had to be done. I got out of my comfort zone and went to church by myself and it was an instant connection and home for me. The people were so warm and welcoming and I knew that this is where I belonged. Over the next few months, God really started speaking to me and saying, "Now is your time to break so I can rebuild you" and I was finally ready to listen. He surrounded me with rock strong people and I started working on me. It was crazy how much God has shown me even in the last couple of months. But, he was faithful and right there with me through it all. For the first time in my whole life I completely broke so that I could rebuild myself. It was hard, and frustrating and I cried a lot, but then I started seeing the light because my eyes were fixed on him. If God leads you to it, he'll lead you through it. I can truly say that I have never been better or happier. God has brought me out of the darkest part of my life and given me life again. Like I tell everyone. I am Zen-chill. Life is great and I have never been happier. There is a joy in me like nothing before. I am finally the me that was always meant to be, the girl that so many were praying for over the years to emerge. It took me a while but I am here, because God is good! Hebrews 13:5 says, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." I will forever have my eyes fixed on God and his plans for me. Without him, I fall short and am nothing. It is in him that I find joy and strength to face anything that comes my way. I know what I have been through and no matter how much life tried to break me and bring me down, I am still standing tall. Yes, I fell, but I got back up again and found a renewed strength. But, it took me turning my gaze upon Christ and trusting him to fight for me and carry my burdens. 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." or Exodus 14:14 "The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."
Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to challenge us, force us to struggle, be uncomfortable. If it's not, then you aren't really living. It's through the trials and hardships that we build our character and become who we are meant to be. One thing we have to remember is that God is always in control. His plan is divine and perfect. We may never understand it, and we aren't meant to, but he knows. Our job is to trust in him and keep our eyes fixed on him and let him guide us. So when things get hard, hit your knees and pray. Talk to him like you would a friend and ask for help. Ask him to fight your battle for you and take it from your control and place it back in his. He will see you through I promise. He loves us so much and just wants us to trust in him.
Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
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